Journeying Back and Rejoicing in Today

Declans birth story for me begins almost two years ago. This is our family the summer of 2014 and right around this time I had suffered a miscarriage and was also going through early premenopause due to having cancer as an infant. For me my emotions were crazier than normal. The thought that while my sisters will be having babies, I'll be joining my aunts for the change of life. Sigh. Even though you try to think rationally and look at all the positives, the truth is my heart was hurting. I wanted another baby so badly but all I could see ahead of us was heartache and more miscarriages. “The Lord is near the broken-hearted.” – Psalm 34:18

During all of this emotional unrest, we went to Florida with my parents. As I prepared to go down a water slide lying on my stomach I did think, "I'd feel awful if I were actually pregnant right now... but that's silly..." and down I went. We came home from the trip and entered back into our normal busy life. I was late but thought it was yet another miscarriage and so just kept it between my husband and I. At about 7 or 8 weeks late I let my hopes rise once again, took a test, and it was positive. After a trip to the doctors to confirm what we suspected might actually be a viable pregnancy, we were excited to share right away this announcement:

We shared immediately because we were pretty certain we'd need all the prayers we could get to help sustain this little fighter.

The pregnancy was what we expected and then some. We knew it would be rough but it surpassed our expectations. But last year on April 24th, it was finally decided my body had reached its limit and it was time to deliver our little baby boy. We felt joy. And fear. I was so scared going into this delivery-- my blood pressure was out of control. My platelets were dangerously low and so they moved our C-section up so I could be awake and my husband could be present for the delivery. My IV got loaded with a cocktail and my brain got fuzzy. I remember thinking that the room was too bright. I had been in a windowless hospital room for more than 24 hours and I was overwhelmed. I was shaking from the meds. and the fear that they wouldn't move fast enough.

And then we heard a cry. It was beautiful. We heard his weight-- 5 pounds 14 oz-- and they brought him over for a quick intro. We didn't hear the time of birth. His height. It was so fast. --

My husband got to co-hold him and then he was taken to the nursery. I was brokenhearted to see him go, but I knew the doctors and nurses needed to get him stable and could take much better care of him in that moment than I could. I was taken to the OR and after a few hours they couldn't stabilize my blood pressure and sent me back down to labor and delivery. At this time hours after delivering, I still couldn't wiggle more than my toes. I was swollen with water retention and my alarms were persistent. As I came back to labor and delivery one of my favorite parts of Declan's birth day happened: I had become the wards most frequent visitor and knew the wonderful nurses there really well. One of my favorites was there to greet me and she leaned down and whispered, "I'm going to sneak you into the nursery so you can see your baby." I just started to cry happy little tears. I have no idea how she maneuvered my bed in to see him, but as I entered there was my calm husband sitting by Declan's little bassinet. They unattached all of his wires and brought him over and laid him on my chest.

He was so pink! I was so thankful that the nurses knew exactly what I needed and helped me "hold" my baby. They gave me 15 minutes which were some of the most blessed moments of my life. Then I had to go back to my room and he had to finish his mandatory 12 hours of nursery time. I don't really remember the rest of the afternoon into the evening. My husband announced the babys birth on facebook and reported his height as 28 inches instead of 18-- poor guy was trying to manage the baby and I and was going back and forth. I kept sinking into drug induced sleeps and haziness-- why anyone would willing be a drug addict boggles my mind. Once the babys 12 hours were up pretty much on the dot, they brought my little bundle into me. My nurse helped me to a half sit.

My hands and arms trembled as I held this little five pound bundle. I kissed his little pink face. Then kissed him again. After a few minutes my strength was gone and my husband took him. He really was super daddy this entire day. Just amazing. He changed the baby. Fed him. Brought him over so I could kiss him. Oversaw his care and blessed us both. Then he sang us both to sleep. And that was my baby's birth day. Others might be able to relate. Maybe you walked a similar path or had other hardships surround the entrance of your little one into the world. For me, I needed to go back and remember what I have spent an entire year moving away from. God was with me in some of my hardest moments. And He provided the love for my baby when my arms couldn't. He sustained my husband. And now today...

Today he is small and mighty. He is my cuddler. My little love bug. Has a strong will-- don't take his toy or try to change his course. So curious-- explores everything and then comes crawling back to momma to make sure I'm still watching and available for a hug. I feel like God has restored the time lost those first few days tenfold. He is a mommy's boy and I love it. He loves it. He also adores his daddy and older siblings. He has been a gift from heaven to all five of us. We are so thankful to God for the work He has done in this little boy's life.

Happy Birthday sweet baby boy.

Big Boy and Baby Boy

I am saddened to say my baby boy is 10 months old as of yesterday. I am happy for him. Sad for me. Pitifully sad. But, here is something to cheer me up: My two little (big) boys can now take a tubby together!

This makes me so happy! I forgot how much I liked tub time! Since the older two have moved onto showers, our 4 year old did to sometime ago much ending his short lived play time in the tub prematurely compared with our other children. So, its been a lot of fun for him to play in the tub again. Then there is our little baby man who Loves playing in the tub! He was getting way to wild in his baby tub and constantly trying to climb out, sit up, and roll away so that this is a much better fit for our crazy guy. They could both stay in there till they pruned away. They play, make bubbles, and splash so much water all over the place that I'm soaked too by the time we have finished up. Seeing them both in the tub having fun together makes me so happy. They have a very sensitive relationship. Our big guy seems to have magnets in his hands and on his mouth that are attracted to his brothers head and about a thousand 10 times a day I say Please don't love on brother that....hard! The baby does not seem to want to reciprocate these feelings of crushing love and glares whenever he sees his brother approaching. Or he just cries in anticipation. But, I think a part of it might just be the youngest in the families lot to have the previous baby of the family be extra affectionate and loving to them.

This is the former baby getting loved on by the baby he replaced ;) He is and probably always will be her baby. She bosses him around and he loves it oddly enough. I think because she does it out of love-- she loves him so much and was his smotherer when he was a baby.

She is very tender and like a little mother to the baby. She is very sensitive to his needs and meeting them and for that I am so thankful!

I don't want to leave out my oldest who is an excellent older brother to the younger two! That's a whole different post though on the life of boys ... and the relationship of my older two is also a much, much longer post! Ha! How are all the different relationships in your household?

10 Ways to Help a High-Risk Pregnancy Mom

I was brainstorming and praying today while watching my two littlest boys napping on my lap right beside me and really felt the Lord laying this post on my heart. It's not so hard to believe that a year ago our pregnancy was about to go its normal high risk route-- and then some! Each time we were pregnant it was different degrees of high risk and each time, Praise the Lord, God bought us through and blessed us with a healthy little one. But before we had gone through our train wrecks, I really had no prior knowledge that things went wrong for people or had ever given it a second thought. We were also so blessed each and every time by wonderful friends and family who loved on us and met so many of our needs. So, I thought I'd compile a list of ways people blessed and us and then some so more high risk mommas out there can be blessed:

1. PRAY-- "Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective." James 5:16. We were so encouraged by praying friends and family and there were so many times each and every pregnancy where God moved mountains and carried us.

2. Bring them a meal or stock their freezer. Sometimes we were in and out of the hospital so much that people would just bring us things we could heat up whenever we were home and that was a HUGE blessing! When I was on bed rest and grocery shopping was hit or miss it was just so nice to have these meals made with love ready to serve. A lot of people focus on after baby meals, but if there is a high risk momma, she needs them just as much before hand-- especially if she has other kids and a husband to feed.

3. Clean or organize for the mom. A huge shout out goes to my own mom who would just come and fold laundry or clean bedrooms while I was sick at various times each pregnancy. One year, she even came and took down our Christmas tree and decorations while I watched from bed rest-- she is awesome at blessing people this way.

4. Bring them flowers. Or books. Or magazines-- bed rest and hospital visits are boring and often times filed with anxiety-- having something to aid as a distraction is a huge blessing. 5. Send them snail mail or email just to bless them. Maybe daily facebook messages. Bed rest or hospital stays can be very isolating. You just live in a strange reality and having people stay in touch this way is so helpful and gives the mommy something to look forward to. 6. Bless the family and clean up their yard or plant things for them if its that season. I know there were times my husband was overwhelmed working and being mr. mom and shuttling me around to appointments and it was nice when people remembered dad couldn't do it all either.

7. Watch their kids for them. This was always a hard area for me to accept help, but when I could break down and admit I did need help, this was always such a blessing. There was just a limit to how many times my kids could hang out in the hospital or would feel cooped up while I was on bed rest and this is a great way to help out high risk families. 8. Don't ask-- just do. This is something that I would get overwhelmed with at times-- I barely knew what was happening in the next day or sometimes hour and so I couldn't always think straight when people would ask how or when they could help. The best thing people could do for me was to just do it. Or say I can do ____ on this day. It just gave me one less thing to think about or coordinate. 9. Go with a mom to a doctor appointment or visit them in the hospital. I hate hospitals. The smell alone makes me sick to my stomach so whenever someone popped in to say hi, it was like a burst of light on a very dreary day. Even lab work days can be very long sometimes lasting for hours with nothing to do and mom could perhaps use some company. 10. Be compassionate and gracious. Every mom and every pregnancy are unique. Maybe you were she-woman when you delivered your kids and were out mowing the lawn while in labor. That's awesome and fantastic, but it just isn't a reality for every mom. Maybe you delivered all your kids at home-- fantastic! But trust me when I say a high risk mom wont always have the same options or opportunities because its just not safe-- show her love. You just can't know what another family is going through or what road they are walking to bring their little one home. So above all, show them the Love of Christ.

Becoming an Auntie

I grew up with many aunts-- there is even a childrens book that I adore called "The Aunts" and I am already an aunt to two teenagers and one little girl older than my children (who sadly we never see, but thats another story), BUT having my sister become a mom really made me feel like I became an aunt. I am an Aunt. Being an aunt is almost as cool as becoming a grandparent... but Im still really young to be a really cool aunt. There are plenty of parenting books out there (trust me, I read most of them when I had the time with my first pregnancy) but no books on becoming an aunt. But that's okay because its not like I'm not a mom so I think maybe it's like being a mom, but you get to do all the fun things... or say things like, well at least I'm not his mother if he misbehaves sometime in the far off future.

This little guy was due two days before my 30th birthday... I consider him a belated present. Is he not precious? Do you not love him? How does Lily say it (you know that adorable mouse who has Julius for a baby brother?) "stroke his head, kiss his nose, and say he is the baby of the world!" Something like that.... but he is so cute!

And now, here is my simply beautiful baby sister... we played mommy together so long ago (using of course, our younger brother and youngest sister as babies) that to share inthis real life journey of motherhood is something I am eagerly looking forward to!

Her husband is the absolutely most perfect brother-in-law and Uncle-- we love having him be a part of our family! And here is one of the reasons why:

He not only saved the hospital socks, he is proudly wearing them! Love it! He is a funny guy! He also has some great parents...

My sister's in laws have raised three terrific sons... I have a feeling one day I may have to sit down and pick their brains. But, I see my husband and myself one day not being the parents of the mom, but of the son and it is just a little different. Speaking of my husband (you didnt think he'd not be able to hold a newborn did you??)...

MMMM-mmmm... there is nothing hotter than a man with a baby. Except maybe a man changing a babies diaper. Or a man washing a babies diaper... well, actually diapers are gross... and my husband is super hot. So there is nothing hotter than my husband... and of course, my husband holding a baby...

Speaking of my husband and a baby, here is our baby. He is king of his new cousin's swing. No, seriously, he could be crying his head off and you sit him in this swing and he has the biggest smile. Except, he heard we were about to take his picture with his new cousin and see the size difference (and I think he was a bit suspicious some people think he has some thunder thighs...)

Please excuse his cloth diaper camel toe-- what can I say, cloth diapers are money savers, but not figure flattering. I have a feeling these two who are just four months a part will be good little buddies in the years to come. I am secretly.. well, I just shared it, so I am joyfully happy that my sister had a little boy for my little guy. They will be two peas in a pod. And me, I will be the happy auntie...

(and please excuse my Olive Oil bun thingy here... I am going through that awful post-pregnancy hair lost stage.... thats a whole post right there!!!).... but, back to the auntie love-- I am so excited to be this little gift from God's auntie!

3 Months Already!!!

Before I share mr. lean mean growing machines 3 month pictures, I thought Id share where we were 3 months ago first. Im not sharing this picture because I look amazing- on the contrary, I don't think I've ever looked so bad in my life. Or felt so bad. I mean, I was feeling really, really bad. This is me when I finally got to hold my sweet little baby 12 hours almost to the minute after he was born. The first time he was allowed in my arms without any help. I cant even begin to describe what waiting that long and being in so much pain while waiting is like, but it does make holding them so much better. The night before Declan was born things were so bad it wasn't even funny. I was back in labor and delivery not in labor listening to other moms labor. When they were done it was quiet back in L&D except for the alarms. About every hour I would set off the blood pressure alarm quite a few times. I had to stay on my left side the entire time to try and keep my BP under 100 (for the bottom number) and being in that position while hooked up to probably 5 or 6 cords was no picnic. On top of all that, I blew out my IV and then it took a few nurses two tries each to finally get it back in... I don't think I ever "slept" so poorly in my life. At some point during all of this the doctor came in and talked to us about having my tubes tied. They explained that my chances of having preeclampsia a third time were pretty high and considering all my issues it just was not a good idea for us to try for a fifth baby. Matt and I had already felt like Declan would be our last and spent some time in prayer before making the decision to go ahead with the procedure. We really felt a peace that having babies naturally was not the only way God could grow our family. Long before we had kids we were told we couldn't and so even back then I think the seed for adoption was planted. And so if God wills us to have more and make it possible for us to find another baby, then we will joyfully be sharing that news someday. But for now, Declan is our sweet much awaited for baby. I was literally crying tears of joy while I had him in my arms. I was so happy, but also so sad because holding him for even those few minutes wore me out and caused intense pain. It was so hard to have to call my husband over and tell him I was no longer strong enough to hold my baby. But.... Im happy to say that these days our little "peanut" only wants mommy :) At three months he is quite the long string bean! He is def. going to be tall like his daddy and big sister! He is trying so very hard to get the hang of sucking his thumb-- it is so adorable to see him try! He also rolled over for the first time the other day which he absolutely did NOT like and I don't think he'll be trying that again for some time as he finds tummy time torturous! He loves to be swaddled but as he is growing quite long its getting a little tricky to make that possible! He also loves being talked to and sung too and carried and he is quite the coo-er. So cute to hear him add new sounds and get a little louder. Im sure it will be only a matter of time before his giggles mesh with his older siblings and fill our home with laughter. And so tonight as I glance over and see him sleeping on his daddys tummy just like he was three months ago I am so thankful we have come so far...... and that I can walk over and get some snuggles myself!