In the Swing

A few months ago I wrote about going through premature menopause and I realize that this is a very personal topic to discuss. I can only hope that someday a survivor will stumble across these entries and find a connection and someone who can relate. I also think it is much easier to write this all out here with no one around and no real fear of rejection, questions, or pity stares then to sit down and share. It just seems kind of vain or depressing if I were to bring this up in friendly conversation. So sharing is a two-fold purpose.... I hope this helps others and it is therapeutic to me. Over the summer it became clear that I was nearing the end of my cycles due to high levels of radiation of a child. It makes me realize all the more how miraculous it is that my children are here. They shouldn't be and it is a huge testament to how big my God is. Over the summer I literally was having a cycle every 8-12 days which made me a crazy hormonal mess... Especially because I knew what it meant. Then in August I slowed down and felt more pregnant then I have ever felt before. Matt and I were secretly rejoicing... Had we once again defied modern medicine? I was late and we got even more excited. Almost a week went by and then I began cramping and after my third babies labor, it felt like that... Like my body was pushing on its own and we miscarried. It was a weird feeling. I was sad, but also slightly hopedul that we could maybe have a chance of having another baby. And then this month came around I began to think what if I keep getting pregnant and miscarrying... Is that even possible? Is that the equivalent to the worse hormonal months ever!? It's just so many unknowns that make for a very unsure walk of faith. But God knows and we are trusting Him. If its a no, it's a no.... But we won't stop praying or trying until we know for certain no matter how much heartache we go through on the way, because following him is worth it. The other night I was in some pain and emotionally drained and I looked at my husband and said, "I am so thankful we married when we did. I am so thankful we never said our apartment is to small to have a baby. I am so thankful we never worried about money. Because if we had, we wouldn't have any of our three babies." I know we wouldn't. If we had decided God couldnt handle it for us, if we had let all the negatives and worldly things stop us, we really and truly would have missed out on some of e greatest gifts God has ever given us. I am so, so glad we trusted the Lord even though it was so hard. When we got pregnant when our first born was 9 months old, I remember thinking what will people think? You know what I think? How could we have thought for a second God didn't have another precious gift he was so excited to give us. And we had our only girl and she lights up our lives. And then our third... We live in a small three bedroom home and had one of each, so shouldnt that be enough? I'm so glad we didn't stop there and got a wonderful surprise third baby. He's crazy, but rounds us out so nicely. His older brother and him are two peas in a pod. So now I am going to go to the heart of the matter.... It kills me... Literally breaks my heart and keeps me in tears when I hear people say they planned it out, they can't afford more, or are on the pill. I know I can't judge, but I can hopefully shed some light on the truth. It's wrong. God is the author of life and oh, how he loves us. He knows what is best and he has plans for these little ones. When I think of the what ifs I get chills. What if we had waited... What if we had waited? I'd never have children most likely. And to hear of people who can and don't.... I honestly don't understand. I ache for more, to receive Gods blessings, and see so many others carefully planning it out, but missing Gods plan. You are missing Gods plan when you wait when you are married. You are disobeying his command to be fruitful and multiply.... It is a direct command he gave us and one of the first actually... It's not an option. It's not a when we're ready. When we have more money. When we have a bigger house. When we are ready, we'll let you know God. I can't imagine asking Him to work on my timeframe. The God who for,Ed the stars, shaped the mountains, gave food exploding flavor, fields vibrant color pallets.... Please wait, I'm not ready. Would you turn away any of his others blessings? If he said he was giving you. Million dollars, would you say, well... I'm not really ready for that type of blessing? Children are priceless... Much more precious then anything on this earth. Precious are they in His sight and I imagine the current thought trend breaks His heart. Okay, I know that was personal, but I needed to get that out. It's been swimming around my heart all week and then some. Now I am off to check on my three sleeping babies and rejoice that they are here :)