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Thursday, April 24, 2014

Journeying Back and Rejoicing in Today

Declans birth story for me begins almost two years ago. This is our family the summer of 2014 and right around this time I had suffered a miscarriage and was also going through early premenopause due to having cancer as an infant. For me my emotions were crazier than normal. The thought that while my sisters will be having babies, I'll be joining my aunts for the change of life. Sigh. Even though you try to think rationally and look at all the positives, the truth is my heart was hurting. I wanted another baby so badly but all I could see ahead of us was heartache and more miscarriages. “The Lord is near the broken-hearted.” – Psalm 34:18
During all of this emotional unrest, we went to Florida with my parents. As I prepared to go down a water slide lying on my stomach I did think, "I'd feel awful if I were actually pregnant right now... but that's silly..." and down I went. We came home from the trip and entered back into our normal busy life. I was late but thought it was yet another miscarriage and so just kept it between my husband and I. At about 7 or 8 weeks late I let my hopes rise once again, took a test, and it was positive. After a trip to the doctors to confirm what we suspected might actually be a viable pregnancy, we were excited to share right away this announcement:
We shared immediately because we were pretty certain we'd need all the prayers we could get to help sustain this little fighter.
The pregnancy was what we expected and then some. We knew it would be rough but it surpassed our expectations. But last year on April 24th, it was finally decided my body had reached its limit and it was time to deliver our little baby boy. We felt joy. And fear. I was so scared going into this delivery-- my blood pressure was out of control. My platelets were dangerously low and so they moved our C-section up so I could be awake and my husband could be present for the delivery. My IV got loaded with a cocktail and my brain got fuzzy. I remember thinking that the room was too bright. I had been in a windowless hospital room for more than 24 hours and I was overwhelmed. I was shaking from the meds. and the fear that they wouldn't move fast enough.
And then we heard a cry. It was beautiful. We heard his weight-- 5 pounds 14 oz-- and they brought him over for a quick intro. We didn't hear the time of birth. His height. It was so fast. --
My husband got to co-hold him and then he was taken to the nursery. I was brokenhearted to see him go, but I knew the doctors and nurses needed to get him stable and could take much better care of him in that moment than I could. I was taken to the OR and after a few hours they couldn't stabilize my blood pressure and sent me back down to labor and delivery. At this time hours after delivering, I still couldn't wiggle more than my toes. I was swollen with water retention and my alarms were persistent. As I came back to labor and delivery one of my favorite parts of Declan's birth day happened: I had become the wards most frequent visitor and knew the wonderful nurses there really well. One of my favorites was there to greet me and she leaned down and whispered, "I'm going to sneak you into the nursery so you can see your baby." I just started to cry happy little tears. I have no idea how she maneuvered my bed in to see him, but as I entered there was my calm husband sitting by Declan's little bassinet. They unattached all of his wires and brought him over and laid him on my chest.
He was so pink! I was so thankful that the nurses knew exactly what I needed and helped me "hold" my baby. They gave me 15 minutes which were some of the most blessed moments of my life. Then I had to go back to my room and he had to finish his mandatory 12 hours of nursery time. I don't really remember the rest of the afternoon into the evening. My husband announced the babys birth on facebook and reported his height as 28 inches instead of 18-- poor guy was trying to manage the baby and I and was going back and forth. I kept sinking into drug induced sleeps and haziness-- why anyone would willing be a drug addict boggles my mind. Once the babys 12 hours were up pretty much on the dot, they brought my little bundle into me. My nurse helped me to a half sit.
My hands and arms trembled as I held this little five pound bundle. I kissed his little pink face. Then kissed him again. After a few minutes my strength was gone and my husband took him. He really was super daddy this entire day. Just amazing. He changed the baby. Fed him. Brought him over so I could kiss him. Oversaw his care and blessed us both. Then he sang us both to sleep. And that was my baby's birth day. Others might be able to relate. Maybe you walked a similar path or had other hardships surround the entrance of your little one into the world. For me, I needed to go back and remember what I have spent an entire year moving away from. God was with me in some of my hardest moments. And He provided the love for my baby when my arms couldn't. He sustained my husband. And now today...
Today he is small and mighty. He is my cuddler. My little love bug. Has a strong will-- don't take his toy or try to change his course. So curious-- explores everything and then comes crawling back to momma to make sure I'm still watching and available for a hug. I feel like God has restored the time lost those first few days tenfold. He is a mommy's boy and I love it. He loves it. He also adores his daddy and older siblings. He has been a gift from heaven to all five of us. We are so thankful to God for the work He has done in this little boy's life.
Happy Birthday sweet baby boy.

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